5 surgeons!

5 surgeons!

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best 
patients to operate on.
The first surgeon, from New York , says, "I like to see accountants
on my operating table because when you open them up, everything 
inside is numbered." 
The second, from Chicago , responds, "Yeah, but you should try 
electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, "No, I really think librarians
are the best.  Everything inside them is in alphabetical order." 
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles , chimes in: "You know, I like 
construction workers.  Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over." 
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington DC , shut them all up when 
he observed: "You’re all wrong.  Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine.  Plus, the 
head and the ass are interchangeable.’

Fwd: New Grads Celebrating

 

Three  Women…go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college  graduation.
Apparently someone slipped something into their drinks,  because they woke
up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in  the morning,
though none of them can remember what they did the night  before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair  and is asked
if she has any last words.  She says, "I just graduated  from Trinity Bible
College and believe in the almighty power of God to  intervene on the behalf
of the innocent."  They throw the switch and  nothing happens.  They all
immediately fall to the floor on their  knees, beg for forgiveness, and release
her.
The second one, a  brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words.  She
said, "I just  graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the
power of  justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."  They throw
the  switch and again, nothing happens.  Again they all immediately fall  to
their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one  (you knew it was coming), a blonde, is strapped in and says,
"Well, I’m  from the University of Tennessee and just graduated with a
degree in  Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, y’all ain’t gonna 
electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in."

Strange and Funny: 53 Crazy Laws

Via

@williamtm

 

Strange and Funny

53 Crazy Laws

**Many of these laws were established during the end of the 1800s and early 1900s, when the United States was rapidly changing from an agricultural to industrial nation. Some of the laws went out of date or were repealed. Many are still on the books but not enforced.

It is illegal for chickens to cross the road in Quitman, Georgia
1. In Quitman, Georgia, chickens may not cross the road.^c
2. Before 1920, it was illegal for women in the United States to vote. When women’s rights advocate Susan B. Anthony tried to vote in the 1872 election, she was arrested and fined $100.^c
3. It’s illegal to ride an ugly horse in Wilbur, Washington.^c
4. In Mohave County, Arizona, if anyone is caught stealing soap, he must wash himself with it until the soap is gone.^c
5. First cousins may marry in Utah, but only after they’re 65 years old.^a
6. In North Dakota, no one can be arrested on the Fourth of July, a holiday that is commonly known there as “Five Finger Discount Day.”a
7. In Tennessee, it is illegal for children to play games on Sunday without a license.^b
8. It is illegal in Tennessee for an atheist to hold office.^b
9. In Indiana, it is illegal for a man to be sexually aroused in public.^a
10. It is illegal in California to lick toads. Apparently, some people were licking toads to get high. Unfortunately, some people were being harmed by the toads’ poison.^d
11. It is against Michigan state law to tie a crocodile to a fire hydrant.^a
12. An old Colorado law states that a person mush have a doctor’s prescription before taking a bath.c
13. Colorado law states that a man cannot marry his wife’s grandmother.^b
14. In Kansas, when two trains meet at a crossing, “both shall come to full stop and neither shall start up again until the other has gone.”^c
15. A woman in a housecoat is forbidden to drive a car in California.^b
16. According to Minneapolis law, a person who double parks a car will be put on a chain gang with only bread and water to eat.^b In Michigan, husbands legally own their wives’ hair
17. In Michigan, a woman’s hair belongs to her husband.^b
18. In Morrisville, Pennsylvania, it is illegal for a woman to wear cosmetics without a permit.^b
19. A man is forbidden to kiss a woman while she’s asleep in Logan County, Colorado.^d
20. In Challis, Idaho, it is illegal to walk down the street with another man’s wife.^b
21. Flirting in little Rock, Arkansas, can land someone in jail for 30 days.^c
22. In Truro, Mississippi, a man must prove himself worthy before getting married by hunting and killing either six blackbirds or three crows.^b
23. There are still laws in Pueblo, Colorado, stating that it is illegal to grow dandelions.^b
24. A woman in Memphis, Tennessee, is not allowed to drive a car unless man is in front of the car waving a red flag to warn people and other cars.^b
25. It is illegal for children under the age of 12 to talk on the telephone unless accompanied by a parent in Blue Earth, Minnesota.^b
26. In Kalispell, Montana, children must have a doctor’s note if they want to buy a lollipop.^b
27. A representative from Oklahoma, Linda Larsen attempted to lower the divorce rate by proposing a law that would require the following requirements before a marriage license would be issued: neither party should snore, at least one meal a week should be prepared by the non-primary cook, toothpaste should be squeezed from the bottom of the tube, pantyhose shouldn’t be left hanging in the shower, and the toilet seat should always be down when not being used.^b Men with mustaches are forbidden to kiss women in Eureka, Nevada
28. In Eureka, Nevada, it is illegal for men who have mustaches to kiss women.^b
29. It is illegal in Waco, Texas, to throw a banana peel onto the street because a horse could slip.^d
30. In Texas, the Encyclopedia Britannica was banned because it contained a formula for making beer.^b
31. Pickles were outlawed in Los Angeles because the smell might offend people.^b
32. It’s illegal in St. Louis, Missouri, for a fireman to rescue a woman wearing a nightgown. If she wants to be rescued, she must be fully clothed.^b
33. Hartford, Connecticut, banned men from kissing their wives on Sundays.^d
34. Buying ice cream on Sundays was illegal in Ohio because it was thought to be frivolous and “luxurious.” Consequently, ice cream vendors would put fruit on top of the ice cream to make it more nutritious, creating the ice cream sundae.^b
35. A woman wearing shorts, a halter-top, or bathing suit to a political rally in Wheatfield, Indiana, could be charged with a misdemeanor.^d
36. In Lander, Wyoming, it is illegal for adults to take a bath more than once a month once the cold weather arrives. Children cannot take a bath at all during the winter.^b
37. According to Florida law, anyone who takes a bath must wear clothes.^b
38. Motorists in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, cannot park a car for more than two hours unless it is hitched to a horse.^b
39. Women in Whitesville, Delaware, could be charged with disorderly conduct if they propose marriage to a man.^b
40. In Kentucky, it is against the law to remarry the same man four times.a
41. It is against the law for a husband to beat his wife on the courthouse steps on a Sunday.^b
42. In Arizona, oral sex is considered sodomy.^b
43. In Arizona, a man may legally beat his wife once a month, but no more.^b A girl may not ask a boy for a date over the phone in Dyersburg, Tennessee
44. In Dyersburg, Tennessee, it is against the law for girl to telephone a boy to ask for date.^b
45. In Kentucky, a woman is forbidden to wear a bathing suit on a highway unless she is armed with a cub or is escorted by at least two officers. The amendment says that the provisions of this statue “shall not apply to a female weighing less than 90 pounds or exceeding 200 pounds.”^b
46. According to an Atlanta, Georgia, ordinance, “smelly people” are not allowed to ride public streetcars.^a
47. Massachusetts passed a law on 1648 that allowed a parent to put to death a stubborn or rebellious son. The law has been repealed by the legislature.^b
48. In Massachusetts, a person could be fined up to $200 for denying the existence of God.^d
49. In 1659, Massachusetts outlawed Christmas. According to state law, anybody observing Christmas would be fined five shillings.^b
50. In California, ostrich steaks are exempt from state sales tax.^b
51. In Lexington, Kentucky, it is against the law to carry an ice cream cone in a pocket.^c
52. Policemen are allowed to bite a dog if they think it will calm the dog down in Paulding, Ohio.^c
53. In Zeigler, Illinois, only the first four firemen to arrive at a fire will be paid.^c

Challis, Id

Strange and Funny: 53 Crazy Laws

BLOOD CLOTS & STROKE INDICATORS

Important – please read! (the life you save may be someone you love)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Blood  Clots/Stroke – They Now Have a Fourth Indicator,  the Tongue

I  will continue to forward this every time it  comes around!
STROKE: Remember  the 1st Three Letters…. S. T. R.
STROKE  IDENTIFICATION:
During a BBQ, a woman stumbled and took a little fall – she assured  everyone that she was fine (they offered to call  paramedics) .she said she had just tripped over  a brick because of her new shoes.
They  got her cleaned up and got her a new plate of  food. While she appeared a bit shaken up, Jane went about enjoying herself the rest of the evening.
Jane’s husband called later  telling everyone that his wife had been taken to  the hospital –
(at 6:00  pm   Jane passed away.) She had suffered a stroke at the BBQ. Had they known how to identify the  signs of a stroke, perhaps Jane would be with  us today. Some don’t die. They end up in a  helpless, hopeless condition instead.
It  only takes a minute to read this…
A  neurologist says that if he can get to a stroke  victim within 3 hours he can totally reverse the  effects of a stroke…totally. He said  the trick was getting a stroke recognized,  diagnosed, and then getting the patient  medically cared for within 3 hours, which is  tough…
RECOGNIZING A STROKE
Thank  God for the sense to remember the ‘3’ steps, STR  . Read and Learn!
Sometimes symptoms of a  stroke are difficult to identify. Unfortunately,  the lack of awareness spells disaster. The  stroke victim may suffer severe brain damage  when people nearby fail to recognize the  symptoms of a stroke.
Now doctors say a  bystander can recognize a stroke by asking three  simple questions:
S  *Ask  the individual to SMILE.
T  *Ask  the person to TALK and SPEAK A SIMPLE SENTENCE  (Coherently)  (i.e. It is sunny out  today.)
R *Ask  him or her to RAISE BOTH  ARMS.
If  he or she has trouble with ANY ONE of these  tasks, call emergency number immediately and describe the symptoms to the  dispatcher.
<

Great Pick-Me-up

Fourth Place:

A man

bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,

his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled.

The man

turns to her and says, ‘Ma’am,

if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you’ll forgive me.’
She replies,
‘If your penis is as hard as your elbow,

I’m in room 221.

———————————————————————————————–

Third
Place
:

One night, as a couple lays down for bed,

the husband starts rubbing his wife’s arm.

The wife turns over and says

‘I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist

appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.’

The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later,

he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

‘Do you have a

dentist appointment tomorrow too?’

————————————————————————————————

Runner Up:

Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years

when he came home one day to confess to his wife

that he had a terrible compulsion.

He had an urge to stick his penis

into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested

that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it,

but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.

He vowed to overcome the compulsion

on his own.

One day a few weeks later,

Bill came home and his wife could see
at once that something was seriously wrong.

‘What’s wrong, Bill?’ she asked.

‘Do you remember that I told you

how I had this tremendous urge to
put my penis into the pickle slicer?’

‘Oh, Bill, you didn’t’ she exclaimed.

‘Yes, I did.’ he replied.

‘My God, Bill, what happened?’

‘I got fired.’

‘No, Bill.

I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?’

‘Oh…she
got fired too.’
———————————————————————————–
Winner:

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning

when the wife says,

‘Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at
this breakfast table together.’

‘I know,’ the old man said.

‘We were probably sitting here
naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.’

‘Well,’ Granny snickered.

‘Let’s relive some old times.’

Where upon,

the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

‘You know, honey,

‘ the little old lady breathlessly replied,

‘My nipples are as hot for you today

as they were fifty years ago.’

‘I wouldn’t be surprised,’ replied Gramps.

‘One’s in your coffee and the other is in your
oatmeal

===============================================

HOW I LEARNED TO MIND MY OWN BUSINESS

 

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day and all the patients were shouting, ’13….13….13.’ The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks. I looked through to see what was going on….. Somebody poked me in the eye with a stick! Then they all started shouting ’14….14….14’…

And that’s When the Fight Started ! !

 

 

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping
channels. She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’
       I said, ‘Dust.’
       And that’s when the fight started….
       ………………..
       My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we
were in bed.
       I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
       "No," she answered.
       I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
       She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." So I
said, "Then I’d like to phone a friend."
       And that’s when the fight started….
       ……………….
       I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" It
warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!" she said.
       So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
       And that’s when the fight started….
       ……………….
       Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
       I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out
into a torrential downpour.
       The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage,
turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad
all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and
slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a
different anticipation, and whispered, ‘The weather out there is
terrible.’
       My loving wife of 10 years replied, ‘Can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that?’
       And that’s when the fight started….
       ………………..
       A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
       Suddenly, at 3 o’clock in the morning, a loud noise came from
outside.The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled
at the man ‘Holy Crap. That must be my husband!’
       So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the
window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush
and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he
returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, ‘I
AM your husband!’ The woman yelled back, ‘Yeah, then why were you
running?’
       And that’s when the fight started…
       ………………..
      I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Molson Canadian for
$24.95. Instead, she bought a jar of face cream for $17.95.
       I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the
face cream..
       And that’s when the fight started….
       ………………
       A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
       She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, ‘I
feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
       I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
       The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’
       And that’s when the fight started….
       ………………..
       I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took
my order first. "I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?""
       Nah, she can order for herself."
       And that’s when the fight started….
       ……………….
       My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,
and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat
alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’
       ‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend.
       I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those
many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’
       ‘My God!’ said my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?’
       And that’s when the fight started….
       ……………….
       After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
my SIN The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s
license to verify my age.
       I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go
home and come back later.
       The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt.’ So I opened my shirt
revealing my curly silver hair.
       She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof
       enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office.
       She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have
gotten disability, too.’
       And that’s when the fight started…
       ………………..
       When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her
someplace expensive… so, I took her to a gas station.
       And that’s when the fight started….
       ………………..
       My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to
150 in about 3 secondsI bought her a bathroom scale.
       And that’s when the fight started….
       ………………..
      One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery
plot as a Christmas gift.
       The next year, he didn’t buy her a gift.
       When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven’t used
the gift I bought you last year!"
       And that’s how the fight started…..

Three little pigs

 

 

Priceless.

This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is.
They think so logically.
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She
Came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building
Materials for his home. She read . ‘and so the pig went up to the man with the
Wheelbarrow full of straw and said: ‘Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that
Straw to build my house?’

The teacher paused then asked the class: ‘And what do you think the man said?‘
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly …

‘I think the Man would have said – ‘Well, I’ll be damned!! A talking pig!’

The teacher had to leave the room.

Nursery Rhymes

my mom sent this to me a long while ago so i thought i would shear it with my readers

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the kings’ horses,

And all the kings’ men.

Had scrambled eggs,

For breakfast again.

********************

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.

Said Simple Simon to the pie man,

‘What have you got there?’

Said the pie man unto Simon,

‘Pies, you dumb ass’

********************

Jack and Jill went up the hill

To have a little fun.

Stupid Jill forgot the pill

And now they have a son.

********************

Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,

All over the bedside clock.

The little dog laughed to see such fun.

Then died of electric shock.

********************

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,

Kissed the girls and made them cry.

And when the boys came out to play,

He kissed them too ’cause he was gay.

********************

There was a little girl who had a little curl

Right in the middle of her forehead.

When she was good, she was very, very good.

But when she was bad……..

She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.