HOW I LEARNED TO MIND MY OWN BUSINESS

 

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day and all the patients were shouting, ‘13….13….13.’ The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks. I looked through to see what was going on….. Somebody poked me in the eye with a stick! Then they all started shouting ‘14….14….14′…

And that’s When the Fight Started ! !

 

 

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping
channels. She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’
       I said, ‘Dust.’
       And that’s when the fight started….
       ………………..
       My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we
were in bed.
       I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
       "No," she answered.
       I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
       She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." So I
said, "Then I’d like to phone a friend."
       And that’s when the fight started….
       ……………….
       I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" It
warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!" she said.
       So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
       And that’s when the fight started….
       ……………….
       Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
       I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out
into a torrential downpour.
       The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage,
turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad
all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and
slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a
different anticipation, and whispered, ‘The weather out there is
terrible.’
       My loving wife of 10 years replied, ‘Can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that?’
       And that’s when the fight started….
       ………………..
       A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
       Suddenly, at 3 o’clock in the morning, a loud noise came from
outside.The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled
at the man ‘Holy Crap. That must be my husband!’
       So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the
window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush
and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he
returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, ‘I
AM your husband!’ The woman yelled back, ‘Yeah, then why were you
running?’
       And that’s when the fight started…
       ………………..
      I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Molson Canadian for
$24.95. Instead, she bought a jar of face cream for $17.95.
       I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the
face cream..
       And that’s when the fight started….
       ………………
       A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
       She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, ‘I
feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
       I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
       The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’
       And that’s when the fight started….
       ………………..
       I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took
my order first. "I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?""
       Nah, she can order for herself."
       And that’s when the fight started….
       ……………….
       My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,
and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat
alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’
       ‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend.
       I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those
many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’
       ‘My God!’ said my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?’
       And that’s when the fight started….
       ……………….
       After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
my SIN The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s
license to verify my age.
       I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go
home and come back later.
       The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt.’ So I opened my shirt
revealing my curly silver hair.
       She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof
       enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office.
       She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have
gotten disability, too.’
       And that’s when the fight started…
       ………………..
       When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her
someplace expensive… so, I took her to a gas station.
       And that’s when the fight started….
       ………………..
       My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to
150 in about 3 secondsI bought her a bathroom scale.
       And that’s when the fight started….
       ………………..
      One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery
plot as a Christmas gift.
       The next year, he didn’t buy her a gift.
       When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven’t used
the gift I bought you last year!"
       And that’s how the fight started…..

Three little pigs

 

 

Priceless.

This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is.
They think so logically.
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She
Came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building
Materials for his home. She read . ‘and so the pig went up to the man with the
Wheelbarrow full of straw and said: ‘Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that
Straw to build my house?’

The teacher paused then asked the class: ‘And what do you think the man said?‘
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly …

‘I think the Man would have said – ‘Well, I’ll be damned!! A talking pig!’

The teacher had to leave the room.

Nursery Rhymes

my mom sent this to me a long while ago so i thought i would shear it with my readers

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the kings’ horses,

And all the kings’ men.

Had scrambled eggs,

For breakfast again.

********************

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.

Said Simple Simon to the pie man,

‘What have you got there?’

Said the pie man unto Simon,

‘Pies, you dumb ass’

********************

Jack and Jill went up the hill

To have a little fun.

Stupid Jill forgot the pill

And now they have a son.

********************

Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,

All over the bedside clock.

The little dog laughed to see such fun.

Then died of electric shock.

********************

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,

Kissed the girls and made them cry.

And when the boys came out to play,

He kissed them too ’cause he was gay.

********************

There was a little girl who had a little curl

Right in the middle of her forehead.

When she was good, she was very, very good.

But when she was bad……..

She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.